Bring Me A Valium Smoothie
by Red Witch
Summary: Pam and Cheryl go to rehab. Talk about a Lost Weekend.


** The disclaimer telling you that I don't own any Archer characters has gone to rehab. This story takes place shortly after the fic Responding To A Code Pink. **

**Bring Me A Valium Smoothie **

Mallory sighed as she looked up from her magazine. "Sterling…Oh Sterling. You know I've been doing a lot of thinking since I've been sitting here. On where I went wrong as a mother. How I failed you. What I could have done different? Maybe if I did something, **anything **different you wouldn't be in a coma?"

"I've come to an inescapable conclusion," Mallory paused. "It's all **your fault!"**

"Lovely bit of self-realization Mallory," Ron remarked as he walked into the hospital room.

"Why are **you** here?" Mallory snapped.

"Because Lana had to go to a Mermaid Mommy class with AJ," Ron told her. "I promised I'd check up on both of you for her."

"Mermaid Mommy?" Mallory asked.

"A swimming class," Ron said. "And water safety class for both mothers and toddlers."

"Oh," Mallory said. "I'll give this to Lana, she's on the ball with AJ. I don't think Sterling learned to swim until the day he nearly drowned in the pool when he was nine."

"He wandered into the pool nearly drowned when he was a kid?" Ron asked as he sat down next to Mallory.

"Wandered, thrown in…" Mallory waved. "Potato, po-sink-o. Look he eventually learned to swim. For all the good that it did him."

"Some kid actually threw Sterling into a pool when he didn't know how to swim?" Ron was stunned.

Mallory paused. "Right. A child did it. We're getting off track. What happened **this time?**"

"What makes you think something happened?" Ron asked.

Mallory looked at him. "The same way I think the sun is going to come up. It's inevitable. So, what happened with the Idiot Squad? What could have happened that would be so horrible, that Lana voluntarily went to a class to avoid telling me?"

"Well…" Ron paused. "Let's just say there was a drunken incident…"

"Is there any **other kind**?" Mallory asked. "I'm seriously asking."

"And Pam got arrested for public nudity," Ron finished.

"_Again?"_ Mallory did a double take.

"The judge gave Pam a choice to go to rehab for a week and she took it," Ron said. "It's called Channels."

"That's the same chain Pam went to in New York to beat her cocaine addiction," Mallory remembered.

"It worked didn't it?" Ron asked.

"Only because Pam was addicted to a higher power," Mallory said. "Sugar!"

"When Carol or Cheryl or whatever her name found out," Ron said. "She was mad and demanded she go to rehab too."

"Hang on," Mallory held up her hand. "You lost me. Pam and Carol are usually glued at the hip. Sometimes literally. How come Pam was arrested and not Carol?"

"Carol wasn't **with **Pam," Ron explained. "She was passed out in her sex harness."

"Anyone else that would seem disturbing," Mallory mused. "But with Carol…That's actually pretty tame."

"Cyril and Krieger were the ones who got arrested with Pam for public nudity on a beach," Ron said. "But they only got a fine."

"And Miss Gillette?"

"He ran off at super speed before the cops got him."

"I'll say this about cyborgs," Mallory admitted. "They do run well."

"Anyway," Ron went on. "Carol insisted on not only going to the same rehab facility as Pam, but being Pam's roommate. Which Pam agreed with because apparently her old roommate was detoxing and not a good sleeper. Words were said."

"And by words you mean threats?" Mallory asked.

"And apparently a few punches," Ron sighed. "Carol managed to bribe whoever was in charge to get her way. Which is not that surprising since she's been doing it all her life."

"Pam and Carol in rehab at the **same time**?" Mallory asked. "Am I premature to assume that our long national nightmare may be over?"

"The staff's nightmares at that place have only just begun," Ron groaned. "Rehab may have to go to rehab because of them."

"What happened?" Mallory groaned.

"Well apparently Carol was confused on the core concept of rehab," Ron groaned.

"Carol is confused on the core concept of almost **everything**," Mallory told Ron.

FLASHBACK!

"What do you mean there's **no alcohol** here?" Cheryl yelled at Pam.

"What did you **think** the word rehab **meant**?" Pam asked. They were both wearing white bathrobes, fuzzy white slippers and facial masks, relaxing on comfortable lounge chairs.

"Uh it's short for rehabilitation obviously!" Cheryl scoffed.

"Rehabilitation from **what** exactly?" Pam looked at Cheryl.

"Uh…" Cheryl blinked. "Oh."

"Yeah," Pam rolled her eyes.

"Well what about glue?" Cheryl asked.

"You can't sniff glue here either," Pam said.

"WHY NOT?" Cheryl shouted.

"_Seriously?"_ Pam looked at her. "What part of **rehab** is confusing to you? Core concept?"

Cheryl thought. "I didn't think this through, did I?"

"You did not," Pam said.

"Oh God! This is bad! This is bad!" Cheryl began to twitch.

"This is my first roommate all over again," Pam rolled her eyes.

"Why are you so freaking calm?" Cheryl shouted.

"This isn't my first time in rehab, remember?" Pam said. "You just gotta relax and go with the flow. Actually, this second time is a lot easier than my first. Now that I know all the tricks."

"What tricks?" Cheryl asked.

"I've learned to make little substitutions," Pam shrugged. "Here. Have a valium smoothie." She handed Cheryl a drink.

"Finally!" Cheryl groaned as she took a drink. "Oh yeah this hits the spot."

"Right?" Pam took a sip from her own drink.

"So, they give you these here?" Cheryl asked.

"Actually, this is a recipe I learned from the first time I was in rehab," Pam said. "Say what you want about Lindsey but she's really handy in the kitchen."

FLASHFORWARD!

"Apparently the real trouble started during their first group therapy session," Ron sighed.

FLASHBACK!

"So…" Pam stood wearing only her bra and panties among a group of people. "This isn't gonna be one of those sexual healing things isn't it?"

FLASHFORWARD!

"Spoiler alert," Ron sighed. "It was also their **last **therapy session."

"What did they do?" Mallory groaned. "Besides Pam being grossly inappropriate."

"I don't know **how** the fight started," Ron sighed. "Or what exactly the fight was about. But…"

FLASHBACK!

A brawl was seen in a therapy room. Several women and men were fighting. Among them…

"Old Town Road is so a country music song!" Pam roared as she knocked out a guy.

"OUTLAW COUNTRY!" Cheryl was chasing a guy with scissors. "HA HA HA!"

"HELP! SHE'S TRYING TO CUT OUT MY TONGUE!" The man screamed.

"It's about a guy who wants to go back home and ride his freaking horse people!" Pam shouted as she fought a woman.

"Well you can't get any more country than that," Another large woman that was fighting behind Pam said.

"EXACTLY!" Pam said as she and the other woman knocked out their opponents.

"AAAAAHHHH!" A man screamed.

"HA HA HA HA!" Cheryl was heard cackling.

"Somebody get the scissors away from Cheryl," Pam groaned. "Where the hell is security?"

"The guy she's trying to stab **is **security," The woman who agreed with Pam said.

"Oh right," Pam said.

FLASHFORWARD!

"And then…" Ron began as he took out a flask from his jacket.

FLASHBACK!

"AAAAAHHHH!" Pam roared as she ran through the hallways, pushing Cheryl in a wheelchair. Shoving patients and doctors alike in the halls.

"Onward!" Cheryl cheered. "And bring me a valium smoothie!"

FLASHFORWARD!

"And then…" Ron sighed.

FLASHBACK!

Pam opened up a refrigerator and saw two large cakes inside. She licked her lips and took them out.

Soon Pam and Cheryl were eating cakes. In the window of the door, another large female patient saw them and licked her lips. Pam waved her in. Soon all three of them were eating cake.

Then the large woman that had agreed with Pam appeared at the window and Pam waved her in. Soon they were all eating cake and laughing. Cheryl laughed so hard she fell off her chair.

"I'm okay!" Cheryl giggled.

"That's debatable," Pam snickered before eating some more cake.

FLASHFORWARD!

"And then…" Ron added.

FLASHBACK!

Pam, Cheryl and the two other women danced around a rec room. Somehow, they set up a disco ball and were playing loud disco music. Other patients and nurses were dancing as well as drinking. One orderly wheeled around a semi-comatose patient.

FLASHFORWARD!

"And **then…**" Ron sighed.

FLASHBACK!

Pam had a football helmet on for some reason. She held a pineapple like it was a football. "Three twenty-three! Three twenty-three! It's twenty to three! HUT! HUT!" She threw the pineapple. "GO LONG!"

A male doctor walked in. "What the devil is going on?"

He caught the pineapple. "What the…?"

Then he was tackled by three other large women in football helmets. "AAHHH!"

FLASHFORWARD!

"And **then…**" Ron groaned.

FLASHBACK!

"AAAAAAHHHH!" A nurse ran for her life. "There's a fire in the nurse's lounge!" Smoke rose out of a room and alarms went off.

"HA! HA! HA! HA!" Cheryl was heard laughing.

FLASHFORWARD!

"Well the fire I **knew** was coming," Mallory admitted. "Not much of a shock **there.** What happened next?"

"Well…" Ron sighed.

FLASHBACK!

"What is going **on** in there?" A different doctor hammered on a door to a patent's room with his fists. "Open up in there! OPEN UP!"

"Phrasing boom!" Cheryl was heard laughing.

"Technically that doesn't count," Pam was heard.

"Open this door right now!" The doctor snapped. "Wait a minute…" He realized he had a key in his pocket. He used it and opened the door. "All right…WHAT THE HELL?"

The room was a mess. There were some pizza boxes on the floor. The IV had been replaced by a bottle of Jack Daniels. There were bedsheets strewn all over the windows. Empty bottles and garbage everywhere. An inflatable flamingo was in the room.

But the real shocker was Pam and Cheryl in bathrobes with two very handsome male orderlies. The male orderlies were shirtless and drinking margaritas on the bed. Cheryl was standing by them drinking and popping pills while Pam was cooking some steaks on a grill.

"You're right guys," Cheryl said. "These blue pills have a nice kick."

"WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE?" The doctor roared.

"Some afternoon delight," Pam told him. "As well as some sex. Hey-O!"

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU IDIOTS DOING?" The doctor yelled at the orderlies.

"Uh hi Doctor Dell…" One orderly gulped.

"Relax, Doc…" Pam cooked. "Have some steak!"

Cheryl giggled and threw some of her margarita onto the grill. "Whoa!" Pam startled as the steak flared up. "Cheryl!"

"This is against the rules!" Dr. Dell shouted.

"You mean the one about cooking in the rooms, right?" Pam asked.

"Among **other things!"** Dr. Dell screamed.

"Then I'm guessing you don't want any Jell-O shots?" Pam asked.

FLASHFORWARD!

"And **then…**" Ron sighed.

FLASHBACK!

CRASH!

A sink was thrown through the window on the first floor. "Free! We're free!" Cheryl cackled as she and Pam escaped through the window.

"You know the front door was open right?" Pam asked as she got out.

"FREEEEEEE!" Cheryl laughed as they escaped the facility and ran away.

"Eh, she's happy," Pam shrugged. "So, what does it matter?"

Meanwhile Dr. Dell and a nurse started at the broken window. "Ms. Tunt and Ms. Poovey escaped!" The nurse gasped. "Should we call security?"

"NO!" Dr. Dell told the nurse. "Let them **go!"**

"Eh you're right," The nurse sighed. "It's for the best."

"God, I need a drink," Dr. Dell moaned.

"There's still some scotch in the nurse's lounge that didn't get burnt," The nurse said.

"Perfect," Dr. Dell sighed.

FLASHFORWARD!

"No surprise they went all One Over The Cuckoo's Nest," Mallory groaned. "Those two have been cuckoo since day one."

"Needless to say," Ron sighed. "Rehab didn't take."

"Duh," Mallory groaned as she took Ron's flask and drank.

"Carol's company paid off the joint so there's no prosecution or anything," Ron explained. "Not to mention pay off the fire damage and medical bills. And they sighed whatever waiver to get Pam off the hook because said she'd burn the place down if they didn't. They are currently partying their asses off back at the mansion."

"Back at the…?" Mallory picked up on something. "How do you…? Ron, are you _living _with them?"

"Well I had to go **somewhere **after you turned our living room into a parking lot, didn't I?" Ron snapped.

"What about your _girlfriend?_" Mallory asked acidly.

"We broke up **weeks ago!"** Ron snapped. "Her daughter lost her husband and she moved back to the South to be with her. It wasn't going to last anyway. We didn't have that much in common. That's why I'm living with the Village of The Damned Idiots!"

"Oh my God Ron," Mallory gasped. "I am **so sorry**. I lived with those maniacs in Tunt Manor and I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy let alone **you!"**

"Yeah well…" Ron looked at Mallory. "You're looking good. In more ways than you think."

"As bad as you think I am," Mallory sighed. "Those idiots are **worse."**

"Testify," Ron groaned as he took a sip from his flask.


End file.
